Tony Stark's Therapy Session: Iron Man 3 Review

    Well, the summer movie season has officially kicked off. Get ready for a multitude of sequels, overblown CGI-fests, and the worst kids' films this side of The Smurfs 2. But to kick it all off, we've got the highly anticipated first installment of the second batch of Marvel movies leading up to The Avengers 2. No need building this one up; I've been waiting all year for it. Here's my review of Iron Man 3.

    It's sometime after the events of The Avengers, and Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) has clearly been hit hard by what he's just gone through, losing tons of sleep as a result. In all his spare time, he has built numerous Iron Man suits, much to the dismay of his girlfriend Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). Stark is soon informed of a new threat, a terrorist known as The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley), who is using planned attacks in prominent parts of the US to "educate" Americans, and specifically the President (William Salder). Stark decides to stand up to The Mandarin, which costs him a great deal. Now, on his own, with minimal resources, Tony Stark must track down this enemy and bring him to justice.

    With such a highly anticipated film like Iron Man 3, one must really pick and choose what they discuss. Much of what stuck with me in this film has to do with plot points that I simply cannot discuss spoiler-free. I will do my best to do a generalized review that those still waiting to see the movie can follow without worry, but just know that there is so much more to discuss than I am giving you right now. In short, Iron Man 3 is a superhero movie sequel with a purpose. What it accomplishes plotwise is important not only to the Iron Man series, but to the entirety of The Avengers. The themes this film deals with are heavy, deep, and sometimes rather dark. It makes it arguably the most mature and thought-provoking entry into the Avengers series. And I mean that in a very good way.

    One thing this movie deals with really well is the aftermath and the fallout of Tony sacrificing himself in the wormhole at the end of The Avengers. This film could have easily thrown that out the window, moved on, and completely forgotten what happened, as is the case with many crossovers in TV and film. Here, however, you see the direct impact that these events had on Tony. He's essentially developed an anxiety order, something almost along the lines of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to his actions in The Avengers. It brought up a really great point about superhero films: for the most part, these heroes are just regular human beings. They aren't just these intangible, indestructible gods. They get hurt. Now, I can name off a number of superhero flicks that have dealt with the physical repercussions of being a hero, but this is the first film I can think of to tackle the psychological end of it, and it's handled extremely well.

    The performances in this movie are all great, but you come to expect that. Robert Downey, Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow have both made their mark on the series, and they only continue that stride. Don Cheadle is back as War Machine, who has now been renamed Iron Patriot, and does well. Ben Kingsley is a lot of fun. A number of people have questioned his voice in the trailer, and some seem to find it rather off-putting. I can assure you, there is actually a very good reason behind this. Let's just say, the Mandarin has a bit of a dirty secret that I'm sure you'll find rather intriguing.

    Iron Man 3 holds back nothing. As you saw in the trailers, Tony Stark basically loses everything. Not only that, but his sanity and mental stability are on the line now as well, along with Pepper and every other person and thing he cares about. This is a film that goes to some very dark and serious places, especially for the Iron Man series, which is known in part for a comedic edge and being a ton of fun. This movie still has both of those elements, but it also has a great deal of content for the viewer to ruminate on and really let sink in. It definitely left me thinking deeper than any Avengers film before it, and I sincerely hope anyone who's looking to catch the first good summer flick of the year will check it out. But, it's more than just a good summer flick. It's a complex film with complex dilemmas that left me with a huge smile. I adore the Avengers series, particularly the Iron Man films, and this one was no exception. I am really happy to kick off the summer this way. As always, thanks for reading!! :D

Tom Cruise Space Janitor: Oblivion Review

    So, I don't post for a good week or two, and when I do, it's a movie that's already been out for two weeks?? How does THAT make sense? Again, college life. But, hey, summer's about to start, and I intend to do everything I can to hit as many summer movies as I possibly can (including video reviews :D) so, that should make up for it. That said, let's talk about Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman in space. Do I really need to elaborate on that?? Oh wait, that's...kinda why I'm here. Here's my review of Oblivion.

    It's the year 2077, and the earth has been decimated by a war with the alien race knows as the Scavs. Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) and his romantic partner Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) are part of a "clean-up crew," given the task of surveying Earth for any survivors, retrieving any salvageable resources, and staving off any potential threats left on the planet. While out doing a surveillance run, Jack comes across a woman named Julia (Olga Kurylenko), who they discover has been in cryogenic sleep for 60 years. Julia leads Jack to an underground militia of humans led by Malcolm Beech (Morgan Freeman). There, Jack's understanding of the world and reality is turned upside-down, and now he must fight to stay alive and preserve the human race.

    What can I say? I didn't expect much from this film. I expected this to be a typical sci-fi popcorn flick. I mean, no offense to Tom Cruise, I think he's a talented guy, but...I just didn't see him and science fiction mixing very well. I would like to now shake Mr. Cruise's hand for proving me 100% wrong. I did not enjoy Oblivion on a fun, goofy standard, but on the level of a legitimately interesting and commendable film. I'm sure others will disagree and present their cases, but, personally, I was really drawn in by this one.

    First of all, Tom Cruise simply oozes charisma. That's just what he does. It's what he's good at. He sucks you into his character's dilemmas without much effort at all. Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman, not much to say there, other than to gush about his appearance in the film. His outfit is just simply awesome. Victoria and Julia both serve their purpose well, although I think Riseborough could probably afford to work on selling emotions other than confused. She looks really lost through the majority of the movie.

    The way Oblivion was advertised, my expectations plot-wise were pretty low. I now understand why the trailers gave the movie such a basic outline. There are so many twists and turns in this plot that if the trailers gave away any more than they did, it would've been too much spoiled. What Jack comes to learn about the world and the history that he thought he knew is really fascinating, and keeps the film from being anywhere near predictable. I simply adore a plot that makes you rethink an entire hour of story that you just watched, and that's what Oblivion does really well. It keeps you guessing.

    Now, why don't we get into the one thing everybody presumably picked up from the trailers: visuals. Visually speaking, the film is breathtaking. I'm a really visual person, and I can never get enough of those moments in a film where there's no dialogue, no action or conflict, and it's just a sweeping orchestral score complimenting a beautiful backdrop. When a film lets you breathe and take in the scenery it has to offer...that just demonstrates so strongly for me the power and depth of film as a medium. This movie definitely has that element to it, and it is wonderful.

    Oblivion really came as a surprise to me. It went so far beyond the simple fun ride I had anticipated. I think it's safe to call this the first summer blockbuster of 2013, even though the summer season doesn't actually kick off until this coming weekend, 2 weeks after Oblivion's release. It's gonna be difficult for the bulk of this summer's line-up to beat Oblivion, in my case. This is a film that is always interesting, very endearing, and visually stunning to no end. The flaws are few and forgivable, and you're left with a truly memorable science fiction experience. Sci-fi fans, be sure to seek this one out. And, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

The Man Who Would Be Racially Inclusive: 42 Review

    Why do I keep putting out reviews in the middle of the week as opposed to the weekends when the films are released? Two words: college student. Anyhoo, we got a sports movie this week. Sports films are not usually my thing, with few exceptions. The closest thing to a sports film I've watched in the past year, in fact, was The Hunger Games, and I hardly think fans of this genre would count that. That said, this one intrigued me. Here's my review of 42.
    It's the tail-end of the 1940's and Branch Rickey (Harrison Ford), owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers and the lesser known Montreal Royals, is looking to add an African American ball player to his Brooklyn team in order to break the color barrier in the sport. His pick is California native Jackie Robinson (Chadwick Boseman), whose impressive record immediately draws Rickey's eye. Robinson is tried out for a season playing for the Royals, and, after not only proving himself, but far exceeding expectations, he is given a contract with the Dodgers. With the support of only his wife Rachel (Nicole Beharie), black reporter Wendell Smith (Andre Holland), and Rickey backing him up, Robinson sets out to wade through the racism, segregation, and every other problem he is forced to encounter, in order to prove his worth and leave his mark on the sport of baseball.
    Let me just say, this was one of my highly anticipated movies of the year. The first time I saw this trailer, I got really excited. It looked like it was going to hit all of the right notes that make a great and memorable sports film, and I was ready for it. It is with this in mind that I must report the dread that sank in during the first fifteen minutes of this film. 42 has some of the choppiest and hastiest exposition I've seen in a film in a while. The set up is extremely rushed, and it makes it difficult to care about any of the characters on screen. It would take a LOT to come back from this mess of an opening and engross an audience in this story...
    Luckily, this film does just that. The rest of the movie is positively captivating. As soon as the plot begins moving along, to say one can get engrossed in the film is a grand understatement. This is due in large part to the performances of Chadwick Boseman and Harrison Ford. These two become engulfed in their roles. Boseman shows a deep dedication to a portrayal of Robinson that honors the legacy of the man properly. Ford, meanwhile, is no stranger to drawing audiences in with as little as a facial expression, and he submits a performance that is stern, bold, passionate, yet funny and quirky all at the same time. It is a very fascinating character. One role I really enjoyed, albeit a minor role, was John C. McGinley as "The Ol' Readhead," an enthusiastic radio announcer who chronicles Jackie Robinson's career. He's not in the movie for very long, but he shines when he is on screen.
    A film like this cannot be done without proper writing and storytelling. Now, I actually know very little about the actual true story, so I am unable to touch the degree of historical accuracy in the film. That having been said, what is presented here is some truly memorable and powerful moments. This is a film that has a heart to it, and displays its characters in a very relatable human sense. The dialogue, especially that involving Harrison Ford, is sometimes mind-boggling...in a good way...a very, very good way!!
    42 is, in fact, a sports film done right. It breaks free from a lot of conventions and clichés that have become routine in the genre. This is not the traditional sports story. It is much more than that. This is a film that displays a great love for Jackie Robinson and his story of triumph over discrimination. That love is shown through very compelling characters, very engrossing dialogue, and drama and tension that keep your eyes glued to the screen at all times. It is such a shame that the first fifteen minutes of this movie were so poorly done, because the other 90% or so I can easily call a fantastic sports movie and a wonderfully-told tale of human triumph. As always, thanks for reading!! :D

    

This Time, the Evil's Even Deader: Evil Dead Review

    Let me just get this out of the way right now. Horror is not my genre. You will very rarely see me cover horror films, aside from The Conjuring in July which actually looks rather intriguing to me, and I will more than likely do some horror reviews around Halloween. Aside from that, however, I tend to avoid modern horror CGI-fests that we are so treated to these days. That said, I felt the need to check this one out, given that it's a remake of one of the greatest horror films ever made and one of my personal favorites. So, here's my review of Fede Alvarez's remake of Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead, simply titled Evil Dead.

    A young man named David (Shiloh Fernandez) meets his friends Eric, Olivia, and Natalie (Lou Tayler Pucci, Jessica Lucas, Elizabeth Blackmore) in an old cabin out in the woods to take part in an intervention for David's sister Mia (Jane Levy), who is fighting an addiction to heroine. They stay in the cabin with Mia to keep an eye on her, and things seem to be going well. In the cellar of the cabin, Eric discovers a strange book filled with Satanic imagery and writing. He begins reading it, unwittingly unleashing horrible demons in the process. Meanwhile, Mia goes through a terrible withdrawal and attempts to escape from the cabin. During her attempt, she is attacked by a demon, and becomes possessed. The demon through Mia tells the rest of the group that they will all die tonight. The group struggles to stay alive as demons take turns possessing them and forcing them to kill each other.

    I like to give as honest an effort as I can not to judge a movie before seeing it, even with remakes. I always hold onto hope that a remake can break free from the constraints of the original and become its own film. Here, however, it was rather difficult to keep my love of the original from forcing me into skepticism. Strange considering this is one of the few remakes that was actually rather enjoyable! I had a good amount of fun with this film. 

    I will get the flaws out of the way. The exposition is very lazy. The characters are basically forced to explain their backgrounds with each other, to each other. It's bad when Mia's brother actually has to come out and say, "Hey, I'm your big brother!" It doesn't help that the majority of the acting is not great. There are five main characters that we follow, and two of them, Olivia and Natalie, seem to serve no purpose other than screaming and getting killed. Aside from that, they are rarely if ever seen throughout the film. You are not given a chance to care about them. Shiloh Fernandez does an alright job as David, but it's pretty forgettable. Mia actually does fairly well, especially when possessed. I did love Eric's character quite a bit, though. Eric is a nerdy hipster-type who is constantly panicking while everyone else tries to keep their cool. Let's just say there is some impressive nerd rage going on in this film.

    I really want to praise this movie for going the route of practical effects, for the most part. As I hinted at before, CG horror films do not do it for me. In order for horror to affect me the way it's meant to, it needs to be as realistic-looking as it can be. If I know something's not really there, I'm not gonna be scared. It might be disturbing imagery, but it's not gonna stick with me. But when you use the art of make-up, lighting, etc. to make something that's actually physically there, I'm gonna remember that. It makes it feel like there is an actual threat on the screen as opposed to an effect. I thank the makers of this film for glorifying practical effects the way they did. These demons feel like they're right there in front of you. Oh, and, speaking of effects...dear LORD is this film gory. Those with weak stomachs, I beg you to proceed with caution when considering going to see this. Calling it a gorefest is an understatement.

    Overall, I had a good time in that theatre watching Evil Dead. It's not great, it's more disturbing than scary, a few jump scares aside, and it does not live up to the original in any capacity. Then again, I don't think it was supposed to. I view this as a way to introduce this classic story to a brand new audience. That having been said, it certainly holds merit for those who have seen the original. It's not the EXACT same story. There are some changes, especially involving characters (no, there's no Ash, I'm sorry), along with some throwbacks to the original, such as the book and locking the demon in the cellar. If you're looking for a fun, creepy, largely anti-CGI horror film that doesn't take itself too seriously and just takes you on a ride for 90 minutes, look no further. And, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

Alien Schizophrenia: The Host Review

    Please note that this is the first Stephanie Meyer-related film I have ever sat through. I would have fought against my better judgment to watch the Twilight series, but they were released before I was seriously thinking about reviewing films, so I had the free will not to subject myself to those. Here, however, I feel it necessary if I’m ever to be taken seriously as a reviewer to take on any movie no matter what the reputation or expectations surrounding it. That having been said, here’s my review of The Host.

    It’s the non-specific future and humans have been taken over by a parasitic alien race called Souls who can only survive by inhabiting the bodies of other life forms. Nearly all of humanity has fallen prey to this. The latest victim is Melanie Stryder (Saoirse Ronan). Melanie is implanted with a Soul who goes by the name of Wanderer (later shortened to Wanda). Where as most human souls die off after being taken over, Melanie’s survives, leaving her a prisoner in her own body, able to communicate only with Wanda. Wanda is shown all of Melanie’s memories and experiences, soon begins to empathize with her, and, as a result, decides to help her. They escape from the rest of the Souls and head back to the human resistance, led by Melanie’s uncle Jeb (William Hurt), which also contains her lover Jared (Max Irons) and little brother Jamie (Chandler Canterbury). It’s now up to Wanda to convince the humans that she’s on their side and that Melanie is still alive and needs their help.

    Now, allow me to take a moment and tell you what I won’t be discussing in this review. It seems that everyone is talking about the fact that this is yet another supernatural phenomenon turned into a teenage love story. At this point, I feel that is a tired argument. We’ve been complaining about that since the first Twilight came out, and everything new to be said about the topic has already been said, in my opinion. I want to look at this movie as if that aspect of it was okay. Because, love story or no, The Host is still positively atrocious. 

    I actually had a bit of a dilemma when trying to figure out how to configure this review. There are so many different problems I wish to address, so many complaints that I wish to rant about, and, honestly, if I did, many of you would probably lose interest in reading by the time you got to the 9th or 10th page. I will try my best to be concise, but, just know that there is SO much more to be discussed about this film than what I am about to offer.

    The acting is not convincing in the slightest. The only one who’s even remotely trying is William Hurt, and he definitely manages to carry himself with some dignity, but what he’s given to work with is just not enough to help him through the part. Saoirse Ronan carries the burden of two roles, those of Melanie and Wanda. Granted, one of those is almost entirely voiceover, but that doesn’t help her case at all. Ronan fails to be compelling as Wanda, and it gets worse when Melanie’s voiceover is thrown into the mix. These two personalities argue and bicker throughout the entire movie, and it gets annoying very quick. The other actors in the movie are bland stereotypes and nothing more, so I will choose not to touch on them.

    One thing that I must address is that all but one of the characters in this movie, aliens included, are complete morons. For example, evidently these Souls have gone from world to world trying to find the best species to inhabit, and each previous time, the other species had no issue coexisting with the Souls. The humans’ souls would essentially die when taken over, because humans are too weak to handle it. If that’s the case, why didn’t the Souls just stick with their previous hosts? It is mentioned at one point that they have conquered 12 different worlds. Surely one of those is better suited for this than human beings. And it’s poor, lazy writing and exposition like this that really hurt the film a lot. There are plenty more examples that I would love to discuss, but, as promised, I will keep moving along. On the flip side of this, while everybody else holds this level of stupidity, Melanie’s uncle Jeb might as well be a psychic. At several points, he is able to tell exactly what’s going on, like discovering a well-kept secret, with no evidence whatsoever, and purely by guessing. This happens far too often, and takes away from a lot of the potential suspense that the film is at least trying to build.

    Literally nothing about The Host is believable. The acting is wooden, the writing is very jumbled and, at points, extremely laughable, and, worst of all, it touches on a very intriguing concept with which it then chooses to go absolutely nowhere. A race of alien parasites take over humans and actually prove to be more beneficial for Earth than the humans themselves? How could you POSSIBLY screw that up??? Well, somehow, Stephanie Meyer found a way. The Host is a sad excuse for a sci-fi film, a shame seeing as its director, Andrew Niccol, also directed Gattaca, which is a fantastic piece of science fiction. Somehow, he managed to go from that to this boring, uneventful, potential-wasting garbage that I cannot urge people enough to avoid. Please, for the safety of your brain cells, leave this one alone. And as always, thanks for reading!! :D

Nic Cage In a Loincloth: The Croods Review

    And so we begin this year's venture into the world of animation with DreamWorks' take on the prehistoric misadventures of cavemen. What's that? This year's animation already started with Escape From Planet Earth? Hehe, silly reader, pretending that movie actually matters. I mean, it's not like it's my job to judge a movie fairly, especially if I haven't seen it yet. Oh, wait...crap. Well, anyhoo, here's my review of The Croods.
    Eep (Emma Stone) is a young girl who is part of a family of Neanderthal cavemen. Eep gets fed up with the rules set down by her overprotective father Grug (Nicolas Cage), who believes strongly that the outside world is nothing but trouble, curiosity will lead to disaster, and that the only place that's truly safe for his family is inside of a dark cave. The rest of Grugs's family, by the way, include his laid-back wife Ugga (Catherine Keener), his idiot son Thunk (Clark Duke), his hyper toddler daughter Sandy (Randy Thorn), and his wise-cracking mother-in-law Gran (Cloris Leachman). In the middle of the night, Eep is lured outside by a mysterious light (fire), which she soon discovers belongs to a strange young man named Guy (Ryan Reynolds) who warns her that the earth is changing and that she needs to get to high ground if she intends to live. Soon, Guy's warning comes true and Eep and her family are set off on a journey across a strange new land to find a new home.
    When I first saw the trailer for this film, I was deeply skeptical. I mean, the overprotective father plotline has been absolutely done to death, and this seemed like a really poor, almost forced attempt at it. I was amazed to find out, however, that this movie actually had the heart to back up the story, and then some! The Croods is an extremely fun 100 minute ride through a beautiful and extremely creative world that only animation masters such as DreamWorks could provide. The animation in the film is stunning, and the character design is so flawless, it's incredible. Even for a cartoon kids' film, The Croods does a lot to make the story and characters very three-dimensional and relatable. On a sidenote, speaking of three-dimensional: when it comes to movies that are released in 3D, it's very rare that you'll hear me comment on the 3D, because I have a very strong moral stance against the gimmick, and I avoid it whenever I possibly can.
    Now, of course, the convincing character animation wouldn't mean all that much if the characters themselves weren't interesting. And, I'm happy to report, the cast in this movie is wonderful. Special props to Nicolas Cage for proving to us that he can actually pull off a responsible father figure. That's not to say that this movie is not filled with Cage's usual schtick. He certainly has his time to bring us the Nic Cage craziness we've all come to know and love, but it's balanced really nicely with a warm-hearted, sympathetic father role. Emma Stone does really well as Eep. Ryan Reynolds is very funny and charismatic in his role. I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the legendary Cloris Leachman as the grandma. To this day, Cloris has not lost her touch, and she was definitely a highlight as well.
    Speaking of highlights, let's get into the comedy. This movie has a delightful sense of humor, mostly found in physical comedy, but very good, commendable physical comedy; the kind you don't see a lot of in kids' films today. Some of it was almost (notice I said almost) Looney Tunes style. But, this film's sense of humor, I think, can best be summed up in Guy's little companion Belt (Chris Sanders). Belt is a small sloth with an Alvin-and-the-Chipmunks-esque voice who accompanies Guy on his journey, often seen hanging around his waist (hence the name). Belt provided some really great and memorable comic relief, and is definitely one of the first things to come to mind when I think about this film. One recurring gag with Belt occurs whenever something dramatic or even mildly bad happens. Everything will go silent, and, all of a sudden, Belt will pop up out of nowhere and, with his little chipmunk voice, utter the "DUN DUN DUUNN" music cue that we as moviegoers have become so familiar with. And it gets funnier every single time.
    Overall, this was a truly great and memorable moviegoing experience for me. The animation was spectacular, the acting was fantastic, and the film had me laughing nearly constantly, joke after joke and gag after gag. It's a big recommendation for people of all ages. There is something for every age group to appreciate in this film. It's clean, wholesome, and colorful enough for the kids, but the parents, grandparents, and even those in between, namely teenagers, can find something to appreciate. This is a film that knows how to keep the entertainment level high and not leave a single age bracket out of the fun. It's a glowing example of animation done right. Check it out, and, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

Presto Steve-o (No, Not That Steve-O): The Incredible Burt Wonderstone Review

    This film was written by two writers of Horrible Bosses. I just thought I'd mention this seeing how Horrible Bosses is one of my favorite comedies in recent years (Sidenote: "Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?!!" sounds just as funny out of context as it does in context...I've been wanting to say that for a while...Anyhoo!)  These two writers were able to handle the comedic prowess of Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis just fine, so how did they manage such powerhouses as Steve Buscemi, Alan Arkin, and Jim Carrey? Here's my review of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.

   Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell) and Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi) are two childhood friends who bonded over learning magic tricks when they were kids and vowed to become world-class magicians when they grew up. Before long, their dream comes true and they are launched into Vegas superstardom, performing every night to sold-out houses. Years later, their audiences slowly begin to disintegrate as they lose their edge and their passion. On top of that, their former audiences are now drawn to a new street magician named Steve Gray (Jim Carrey), who makes his living performing dangerous stunts and gut-wrenchingly disgusting card tricks, constantly mangling himself in the process. The public interest in magic is soon consumed almost entirely by Gray, making Burt and Anton's style of magic all but obsolete. Now, it's up to Burt, along with the help of his former magic assistant Jane (Olivia Wilde) and legendary magician Rance Holloway (Alan Arkin), to show the world what true magic is all about.

    It's hard to know how to go about discussing a movie like this. This is a film that had so, SO much potential to be something new and creative. It has a lot of really great ideas that could've brought us a fresh, unpredictable (in a good way) comedy. But, for the most part, the plot to this movie is fairly conventional. An arrogant rich guy falls from power, people start abandoning him, then he suddenly has a change of heart and goes back to set everything straight. We've seen it a million times. And this is where, as I said, it gets hard. I was pretty disappointed in the movie for that reason and a few others. However, at the same time, I was pretty happy with the movie for a number of other reasons.

    Let's talk about casting. There are some very strong casting choices here. Steve Buscemi, Alan Arkin, and Jim Carrey all do wonderfully. Buscemi's not in the movie quite as much as some would probably like, but he does what he's there to do; that is, to be Carell's loyal best friend. Arkin rarely, if ever, disappoints in a film, and, here, he is perfectly placed as a retired magician who used to be brilliantly famous and is now called back into the spotlight. Jim Carrey's been getting a lot of praise for his performance, and I have to agree. As someone who used to be a big fan of Criss Angel (and now can't stand him), I related to this character quite a bit. I also really loved the MindFreak spoof, hilariously entitled "Brain Rapist," which expertly satirized all the mind-numbingly stupid and dangerous stunts performed by Criss Angel and his peers. If you need an example, recall that scene in the trailer where Carrey's laying on red hot coals. It is very, very funny in the movie, and all of his stunts maintain that level of absurdity and hilarity.

   Now, the one weak spot with acting, unfortunately, is Steve Carell in the starring role. Simply put, Steve Carell cannot pull off pompous. He's supposed to be this arrogant, self-centered jerk throughout the first two-thirds of the movie, and he just has no idea what he's doing. He rarely ever comes across as arrogant; he just looks generally uninterested...in everything. And, in the few moments where he doesn't look completely bored, he instead chooses to be overbearing and annoying. He's either screaming his head off, or, whenever he's sad or distressed, he's letting out this bizarre little whimper that both sounds awful and goes on for way too long; so, you're just sitting there begging for him to shut up and keep moving the story along. The rest of the main cast was fine and salvaged the movie, at least for me, but it's still a huge problem when your main hero is absolutely impossible to root for.
   Due to the awkward atmosphere Carell creates with his character, the writing in the movie suffers, and a lot of the comedy is really hit-or-miss; well, that is, outside of Jim Carrey. Carrey hits all of his cues with accuracy. However, when he's not on-screen, it's a big toss-up as to whether or not a joke will draw a laugh or a groan, and there are examples of both extremes. There are jokes that are very funny and will put a big smile on your face, but then there are those that will make you cringe like you're listening to nails on a chalkboard. There are also plenty of moments in the middle, which really don't garner much of a reaction at all. For me personally, the good moments outweighed the bad ever so slightly, but for others, the groans may just overpower the laughs a bit too much.
    To me, the best and worst thing about this movie is the ending. Without spoiling too much, the movie ends with a huge moment that they've been building up to for the entire third act. It's the kind of moment that they foreshadow and build up so much and so well that, when it's finally pulled off, it's really, really cool to see, and it makes the rest of the film completely worth it. Now, I don't think I'm spoiling anything when I say this moment involves a magic trick. They do explain how they pull off this trick, but, it's fine because it's relevant to the plot. But, there's a lot of disturbing and inhumane behind-the-scenes work that is implied to be necessary in order to pull this trick off. That worked really well for humor; the fact that they imply it so heavily but never actually mention it. So, this big moment happens and the movie fades to black. You think it's done. Then, it fades back in to a montage showing, step-by-step, every little thing that happened to make the trick possible. More or less, they explain the joke in full detail just in case we missed it the first time. That irritated me so much and hurt the movie considerably.
    Overall, would I recommend Burt Wonderstone? I would say yes, but keep your expectations low. For me personally, the good parts make it worth it, but you're gonna have to suffer through a lot of moments that are annoying, grotesque, or just questionable. The film does have a certain amount of heart to it. I think it's really up to one's own determination of how much annoyance is too much. Like I said, the good for me just barely outweighs the bad, but, for others, that scale may tip differently. Honestly, I had a fun time. I didn't expect much, and I didn't really get much more than I was expecting. Just use your best judgment. And, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

    

   

The Wonderful Wizard of Prequels: Oz the Great and Powerful Review

   If you were to tell me a few months ago that, not too far in the future, I would be considering calling Zach Braff cute, I would have kindly directed you to the nearest mental hospital and simply called it day. But, then again, I would have the same reaction if, at this time last year, you told me that, from now on, every time I hear the name James Franco I will picture an Asian guy holding a duck...This is a strange world of movies we see around us today...and I love it. Here's my review of Oz the Great and Powerful.
   Magician and professional con-man Oscar Diggs (James Franco), better known by his stage name Oz the Great and Powerful, is down on his luck living a less-than-glamorous life performing in a traveling circus. Due to some admittedly ridiculous circumstances, he soon finds himself in a hot air balloon floating towards a giant tornado. The tornado transports him to the beautiful land of Oz. He meets the young witch Theodora (Mila Kunis) who tells him that he is the fulfillment of a prophecy which states that he will defeat the "wicked witch" who terrorizes Oz and that he will then claim the throne as the rightful ruler of the land. Oscar is slow to accept, but, when the promise of riches becomes involved, he jumps on board. So, along with the quirky yet lovable flying monkey Finley (Zach Braff) and a young girl made entirely out of china (Joey King), Oscar sets out to defeat the wicked witch and bring about peace.
   Interesting how this is the third re-imagining of a classic fantasy tale in just over a month. But, unlike its predecessors, Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters and Jack the Giant Slayer, Oz the Great and Powerful is completely worth it. My prayers from last week were answered because we now have a children's fantasy film that is smart, funny, clever, visually beautiful, deep, and surprisingly dark at times. I absolutely adored just about everything in this film. The story and character development were intriguing, the writing was a delight, and the acting worked wonders.
   This is a story that starts out really simple. Oscar goes on a journey to defeat the wicked witch, but he's nothing more than a con-man so he doesn't know what he's gonna do. But, the movie does a lot more with this story than you think it would. The best example of this is with the witches. There are three witches in the film: Theodora (Mila Kunis), Evanora (Rachel Weisz), and Glinda (Michelle Williams). I really don't want to give away too much because I really want people to see this one, but, let's just say, the film does an excellent job of playing with the personalities and tendencies of these three witches, so that it's actually fairly difficult to tell which one of them is going to turn out to be the real Wicked Witch of the West that we all came to know and fear in the original Wizard of Oz story. And, when the truth is finally revealed, it's much more powerful, because you realize that you've been seeing it building up for the entire movie.
   James Franco certainly does a great job of playing an egotistical con-man putting on an act. I really do appreciate, however, that they didn't go the typical movie route where he gets revealed as a liar, everyone shuns him, then he suddenly has a last-minute change of heart and goes back to prove himself. The change of heart is done way more subtly, being much more implied than blatantly stated, and it feels a lot more natural. The three witches all do their jobs well, although I wish Mila Kunis would've gone for a BIT less over-the-top of an approach to her character. Joey King gives one of the most adorable roles I've seen in a film in a while. Despite the fact that she's made entirely out of china, it's hard to not just want to give her a big hug. Special props must be given to Zach Braff for a comic relief role done right. Finley the Flying Monkey was probably my favorite part of the movie, and he was absolutely hilarious.
   I really wish I could gush more about this movie, but I would take up pages and pages of material, and I'd rather not fend off potential readers with mountains of text. And I haven't even begun to talk about the spectacularly beautiful effects in this film. The Oz that they create in this film is so creative, so great to look at, just...completely wonderful. I really loved the fact that, when the land of Oz makes its first on-screen appearance, the film gives you probably a good minute or two just to look at the environment, take it in, and really, truly appreciate it. That was really great.
   Geez, this is probably the most positive review I've given a movie so far this year, and rightfully so!! Oz the Great and Powerful was, visually speaking, an absolute spectacle; it was creative, deep, funny, compelling, and, not to mention clever. Again, I don't want to give away too much, but the ending of this movie is an extremely creative and clever battle scene the likes of which I'm not sure I can say I've ever seen. I really have to wrap this up, because, as you can see, I'm just gonna keep finding new stuff to geek out about. This was definitely the single most enjoyable moviegoing experience I've had so far in 2013. I highly recommend this film, and even moreso on the grounds of what I said last week in my Jack the Giant Slayer review. This is the movie to send your kids to if you want them treated with respect and if you want them to take something meaningful away from the experience. This is a prime example of a children's film done right and one that can be thoroughly enjoyed by all ages. And, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

Jack Versus the CGI Models: Jack the Giant Slayer Review

    Did you know that hoodies and khakis were in style in medieval times? I didn't know that until now, but, according to this movie, it is absolutely true. Peasants in medieval times wore hoodies and khakis. I don't know how I missed that, but director Bryan Singer got it right, and I must commend him for his historical accuracy. Oh, wait...this is a movie involving giants and magic beans...and Stanley Tucci. Guess I can't take it TOO seriously. Here's my review of Jack the Giant Slayer.
   Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is a lowly peasant who falls for the princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson), who is sneaking around town in disguise to escape the empty life of the palace. Jack winds up in possession of some magic beans and is told not to get them wet. Well, guess what? The next day, there's a terrible storm, and one of the beans gets wet. A gigantic mile-high beanstalk emerges from Jack's home. Jack is able to escape, but the princess, who had been visiting him, gets taken away into the sky along with the house. King Brahmwell (Ian McShane) finds out and commissions his royal guard Elmont (Ewan McGregor) and his shifty, suspicious adviser Lord Roderick (Stanley Tucci), along with their men, to climb the beanstalk and find the princess. Jack somehow convinces the king to let him go with them, and the crew climb to the top only to find themselves in the dwelling place of giants, who are holding Isabelle captive. So, it's up to this lowly peasant to ward off the giants and bring the princess home safely.
   This one's a tough one for me. Seems like all, or at least, most of the films I've reviewed so far this year, I've had fairly strong opinions about. This, I believe, is really the first time of the year where I feel extremely...indifferent. Did I like the movie? Kinda. Did I dislike the movie? ...Kinda. This seems to be a case where the good and the bad balance each other out nearly perfectly. I liked a good amount of elements in this film, but I also disliked just as much. I'll try my best to be more specific.
   Nicholas Hoult, I think, was a good, safe choice for this role. He's an up-and-coming young actor with plenty of charisma, and he did fine. He didn't stand out, but he did his job. The princess was a very stereotypical Princess Peach type of damsel in distress. She really didn't do much outside of follow Jack around, get captured, and scream. Ewan McGregor was enjoyable, but, again, didn't stand out. He did have his moments, though, especially when it came to humor. Speaking of which, let's talk about Stanley Tucci. I love Stanley Tucci, and he was easily my favorite part of the movie. He is hamming it up and having an absolute ball in this role. Every time this movie started getting boring, he would pop up on screen and remind me that, at the very least, some of the cast was having a good time.
   Now, let's talk about something I usually don't address very often: effects. I don't usually talk about them, because I usually don't care too much for them. I'm not a big opposer of CGI or anything. As long as it's not too distracting and it's relevant to what's going on, I'm pretty forgiving on that front. But, here, half of the effects, especially when the camera would get closer to the giants and you could see them better, looked like they were straight out of a video game. In fact, there's a CG animated sequence in the beginning telling some of the history of the folklore surrounding giants, and I could probably list off a number of games I've seen with better quality than that sequence. That took me out of the film quite a bit. The one good effect: the beanstalk. When that thing first comes out of the ground and you see it rising into the sky, it's a very cool shot, and it remains very good to look at for the rest of the time. I will give the film credit for that.
   Now, I know what a lot of people are gonna be saying at this point. It's intended for a younger audience, so it's gonna be a little less practical. I get that. But that doesn't mean you should put in any less effort with effects or acting or writing. This is what's wrong with a lot of children's movies out there today. People assume that a younger audience means they don't have to work as hard. But, you should always work for your craft. You want to make kids' films? That's great! Do that! But, do it in a way that's not insulting to their intelligence. Give them a competently made movie, and they will learn from it. They will appreciate it so much more than a cash-in with a dozen clichés and cardboard-cutout characters. Treat them with respect. Don't dumb it down for them. Let them grow from watching your movie.
   So, overall average cast, average writing, less-than-average effects for the most part; this all adds up to an exceedingly average movie-going experience. I did not feel like this was a worthwhile way to spend two hours, but, at the same time, I can think of a lot worse, especially in the fantasy genre. I just think, if you're really itching to see a fantasy movie, I would urge you to sit this one out and maybe take a chance with Oz the Great and Powerful next week. Who knows? That may end up being complete crap and I may end up biting my tongue, but I actually have a good amount of hope for that one. Either way, don't spend money on Jack the Giant Slayer, and, if you're a parent, don't let your kid spend money on it. Direct them towards more competent films that treat people their age with a sense of respect and understanding. And, as always, thanks for reading!! :D

Witches and Casters and Jocks, Oh My: Beautiful Creatures Review

      This is a movie that was almost dismissed ahead of time due to the fact that many believed it to be too close to Twilight. What?? A story about an awkward teenager who falls in love with another even more awkward teenager who turns out to be a supernatural being? AND it's revealed that being together could prove fatal for the both of them, so they're constantly fighting supernatural forces to preserve their love? How could that POSSIBLY be compared to Twilight??? Here's my review of Beautiful Creatures.
     Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) is an average jock in the small deep South town of Gatlin. One day, a new girl enrolls in his school: Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert), a strange young lady from a bizarre outcast family who are rumored to have other-worldly capabilities. Ethan starts to fall for Lena after giving her a ride home, and the two develop a bond. It's soon revealed to Ethan that Lena and her family are "casters"(known to us common folk as witches), and that Lena is reaching a critical point in her life where she will either be claimed as a light or dark caster, depending on her true nature. The couple find out that Lena loving Ethan puts her in grave danger of losing control of her emotions and, thus, going dark, something her dark mother Sarafine (Emma Thompson) is hoping for, and her light uncle Macon (Jeremy Irons) is trying everything in his power to prevent. So, the battle is on to ensure that Lena is claimed by the right side, while a simultaneous fight is being held by Lena and Ethan to stay together. 
     Well, I'm just gonna get right to it: this is the first big surprise of the year for me, in the best possible way. I enjoyed this movie quite a bit! I'm serious. Everything about this movie was enjoyable. First off, the romance was actually believable...and more than just believable. Human. Real. In a teenager's fantasy movie, I found one of the most realistic romances I've seen in film in a number of years. Ethan and Lena may have supernatural issues to deal with, but the way they deal with it is very real. They argue, they yell, but not in the typical romantic movie style in which argument=break-up. They have their fight, but then they calm down, hug each other, and tell each other it'll be okay. Guess what, Hollywood? THAT. IS FREAKING. REAL. More movie romances like that, please!!
     The acting was solid across the board, with a special highlight being Jeremy Irons. Irons is a complete badass throughout this thing, and steals every single scene. He was thoroughly enjoyable. The two leads, as I mentioned, are very believable teenagers in love. Emma Thompson as the villain, while hamming it up just a bit, was still great. The writing was actually fairly compelling, and the story was done really well, to the point that, towards the end, when non-specific spoiler-free bad stuff happens to the characters, you genuinely feel bad for them. Ethan and Lena's connection was so strong, due to both great writing and awesome on-screen chemistry.
     If there are any problems with this movie, they come with the end. Even though I just mentioned compelling things being involved with the end, the final battle scene as a whole is dragged out just a bit too long. Without spoiling anything, let's just say the situation they present could've been dealt with in half the time and still would have been worth it. It wouldn't have hurt the movie at all to shorten it. But, that's just a minor gripe and really the only one I have. Everything else is either great or, at the very least, passable.
     The question that comes to my mind now is, which one is the better supernatural romance: this or Warm Bodies? It's really two completely different experiences. Warm Bodies was goofy and charming, and, while Beautiful Creatures certainly had its charm, it had a much darker tone and took itself a lot more seriously. It's tough to compare the two, because they really are two completely different movies. What do they have in common? Neither of them even come CLOSE to being justifiably compared to Twilight. Beautiful Creatures was fun, intense, interesting, and it kept my attention fully the whole way through. I am pleasantly surprised to be giving this week's movie a VERY positive rating! Thanks for reading!! :D

The Melissa McCarthy Hour: Identity Thief Review

    So, apparently, when someone steals your identity, as long as they're from a different state, cops are completely powerless. They can't do ANYTHING about it unless the criminal is standing right in front of them. Now, if you believe that statement you just read, you are the target audience for this movie. Is that good or bad? Here's my review of Identity Thief.
    Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) is living a happy, content life in Denver, CO, with a wife, two kids, another on the way, and a cushy new VP job at stereotypical unnamed, non-specific business place. His life quickly starts going down the drain as he's informed of going well over his credit card limit and missing a court date in Florida, AKA halfway across the country. The reason? Enter Diana (Melissa McCarthy) a con artist who stole Patterson's information and is using it to do things like throw wild parties at the bar while simultaneously avoiding any and all criminal charges. Because of the dilemma I described in the first paragraph, Patterson is forced to go to Florida and bring Diana back with him to turn her in.
    Now, to those who have seen this movie, you may have noticed I left some things out of the plot description. I left out the part about the bounty hunter (Robert Patrick) who's after Diana for jumping bail. I left out the two criminals (T.I. and Genesis Rodriguez) who are after Diana for selling them bad credit cards. Why did I leave them out? Because they SHOULD NOT BE IN THE MOVIE!! I am sick to death of comedies trying to be way more complicated than they need to be. The basic plot to Identity Thief, albeit stupid, is rather straightforward. Jason Bateman tracks down Melissa McCarthy and has to take her back to Denver. She tries to escape, Bateman becomes wise to her schemes, and it becomes an adventure with them constantly trying to outsmart each other. It's a solid concept that could've worked for comedic value. Instead, they tack on these useless villains and yawn-inducing chase scenes that do nothing but pad the movie out, a clear indication of what little faith the writers must have had in the initial premise. These villains are uninteresting and are just there because they couldn't squeeze enough conflict out of McCarthy being a loud, drunken motormouth always screwing up Bateman's world. Speaking of which...
    This is my first real exposure to Melissa McCarthy. I keep hearing about what a really great comedic talent she is, so I sincerely hope this performance does not speak for her as a comedienne. I found her exceedingly annoying and impossible to root for once the movie started not-so-subtly telling me to do so. And her influence seems to be all around this movie. Jokes go on for FAR too long, and there are way too many instances where situations would go so much smoother if the characters just stopped running their mouths. The movie seems to think that if something is funny, then stretching it out or repeating it several times will make it funnier. Sorry, guys, try harder next time. And, as for Bateman...he's the same he's been in every single movie so far. Bland, sarcastic, and complaining about everything. You know his character from Horrible Bosses? From Hancock? Yeah...it's that guy again. Nothing new to report.
   Identity Thief is a prime example of everything NOT to do in a mainstream comedy, especially a road trip comedy. The jokes almost all fall flat, or start out funny then get dragged out to the point where you regret once thinking they WERE funny. The characters are either loud and annoying or Jason Bateman, neither of which is the least bit pleasant. The plot is extremely forced and ridiculous. Oh, and, not to mention that it basically ends up with a moral that lying and stealing is okay as long as your heart is in the right place (or you have a cheap, lazy "tragic" back-story thrown in at the last minute which serves no purpose). I don't understand how this film could have been handled in any way by people involved with both The Hangover and Ted, two of my all-time favorite comedies. It's a sloppy movie with horrible characters and little to no actual comedy to speak of. Overall, quite the waste of 2 hours. Thanks for reading!! :D
   
    

Warm and Fuzzy Zombies: Warm Bodies Review

    What pops into your head when you hear the phrase, "zombie apocalypse romantic comedy?" If you're like me, you either think, "This could be...interesting," because it really hasn't been done before, or you think of a cheap cash-in on the Twilight craze that's slowly (finally) dying down. Well, one of these is right on the money. Which one, you may ask??? Here's my review of Warm Bodies.

    In the midst of a zombie apocalypse, a zombie named R (Nicholas Hoult) joins his brethren on a daily, routine hunt for flesh. During their attack on a group of surviving humans, R falls for one of the humans named Julie (Teresa Palmer). He keeps her safe through the attack and sneaks her back to his home, where they begin to develop feelings for each other. It soon becomes a race against time as Julie's family and friends are looking for her, R's fellow zombies are ready to attack and eat her as soon as she's within view, and R is slowly becoming more and more human the more he and Julie interact. Oh, and, of course, wacky zombie antics ensue...of course!

    This was one I did not have high expectations for. I wasn't thinking QUITE as bad as Twilight. Instead, I placed it in that Michael Cera-type pool of an awkward teenager in a cardboard-cutout comedic situation with dialogue that's trying so very hard to be quirky, but failing miserably. What Warm Bodies does is take that concept I just described, and, instead of failing miserably, it hits ALL the right notes. Comedically, this movie works. On a romantic level, surprisingly, this movie works. The story, albeit a little corny, really does work.

    I really enjoyed our two leads. Nicholas Hoult actually does a really good job of showing an undead being who is honestly trying with every ounce of his energy to break through and be human, or at least interact with the human world. Teresa Palmer also pulls off a love interest who is comforting and sympathetic while also being skeptical of the whole situation. I also must give special props to Rob Corddry, who plays R's zombie best friend. Rob Corddry as a grumpy, somewhat bitter zombie...what perfect casting! He has very scarce dialogue, but the emotions and reactions he conveys through his eyes speak volumes about the man's masterful comedic timing. Corddry was a big, big highlight of the film. If there's any disappointment in this area, it was John Malkovich as stereotypical shoot-everything-that-moves army guy that can't be reasoned with. I was sick of this character back with Avatar! Can we please stop inserting him in every fantasy movie?!!

    Irritating Malkoviches aside, let's talk about story. I've heard the plot here described as "zombie apocalypse is saved by the power of love." And, while this is technically true, my argument is that it's all in the execution. Is it the strongest premise? Not by a long shot, but it's written and presented in a really interesting way. I'll put it this way. One word kept popping into my mind throughout the film: "charming." This movie is extremely charming. It's sweet, cute, and heartwarming with a dash of funny. It's not a straight-up comedy, but there's still enough comedic material to keep you smiling the whole way through. Mostly, as I said, it'll just warm your heart.

    So, in the same league as Twilight? Nope. A zombie laugh-riot like Shaun of the Dead? Far from it. But, what Warm Bodies does have is a likable cast, clever writing, and a cute, charming story about a girl and her zombie. It's not a must-see, but, if you're up for it, give it a watch. You may just be surprised with how warm and fuzzy you feel watching zombies be zombies. Thanks for reading!! :D

Steampunk Witches - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

     Ponder the idea of machine guns and defibrillators existing in what is essentially the 1600's. How does this idea sit with you? Depending on your answer, that will determine your likelihood to sit through this movie without groaning and glaring at the screen. I don't like giving things away this early in the review, but this is not one worth building up to. Here's my review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
    It's years after the events of the original Hansel and Gretel story, where they get captured by a witch and are able to throw her into a fire and escape. Now, a fully grown Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have dedicated their lives to hunting and killing all witches they come across. They're called upon by the town of Augsburg, Germany, to find a witch (Famke Janssen) who has been abducting children in the middle of the night. They find out the child abductions are part of a ritual a group of witches are planning which will essentially allow them to become invincible. Along the way, Hansel and Gretel get help from young aspiring witch hunter Ben (Thomas Mann), Hansel's love interest Mina (Pihla Viitala), and a menacing but friendly troll named Edward (Derek Mears/Robin Atkin Downes).
    Okay, I think I already gave away my overall opinion in the first paragraph, but let's break this down. When I first saw this movie being advertised, I was ecstatic! No, I didn't think it was gonna be the LEAST bit good, but I was looking forward very much so to laughing at this movie or just having some good nonsensical fun. That's all I expected from this thing. What did I end up getting? All of the nonsense, little to none of the fun...
    First things first: Jeremy Renner...I feel for you, guy. Renner makes it abundantly clear that he did NOT want to be here at ALL. Take away the fact that his Hansel is supposed to be a jaded, cold brute who hides his emotions because of his past; Jeremy Renner is not even trying, even when he's supposed to emote something other than coldness. Gemma Arterton does a passable job; not much to praise or complain about. The main villain is generic, as are the side characters, namely, Mina. Talk about a phoned-in love interest who has nothing at all to do with the story and is just there for a random sex scene. I'm not even kidding. The most screen time she gets is when she gets into a hot spring with Hansel and the oh-so-sophisticated filmmakers basically make into a "Ooh, look, we showed a naked lady!! Hahaha" type of scene. Extremely pointless. Which brings me to my next argument...
    This movie just did not care about itself at ALL. Sure, we all know from the trailer that apparently machine guns and similar weapons existed in the 1600's, but...oh, boy, did it go so much farther downhill from there with throwing logic and common decency out the window. You have plot points and plot devices that have absolutely zero purpose being there. Other things that existed in the 1600's according to this movie: defibrillators and insulin shots. You know, insulin shots, for Hansel's diabetes...that he got from being fattened up by the witch when he was a kid...and that's only briefly referenced in one scene and then dropped. I sincerely hope you see where I'm going with this. This movie's logic isn't just stupid, it's flat-out insulting.
    I don't feel the need to waste many more keystrokes on this thing. It was a stupid movie lazily executed for a minimally enjoyable outcome. Some things this movie does have: a cartoonish amount of blood and gore, some extremely gimmicky 3D (I was forced to see this movie in 3D...I HATE 3D), and at least 3 or 4 large-breasted female cast members that the male demographic is supposed to, I guess, find as a positive addition to the movie, because...boobs. That's really the feel that it gives off. Sure, some people may still see it as a fun, silly, bloody ride, but I see it as a waste of 90 minutes which left a very bad taste in my mouth. Good to know I have a contender for my worst movies of the year list and it's only January. Thanks for reading!! :D
    

Zhe Triuhmphunt Retuhn: The Last Stand Review

     I'll be perfectly honest, despite all my raving about Arnold in the past week or so, I've actually never gotten a chance to see any of his movies in the theaters, given the fact that I'm 18 and most of them came out before I was born, so, excuse me this moment of giddiness in stating how awesome it is to see this guy on the big screen!! Surround Sound Austrian accent...doesn't get much better than that! Here's my review of The Last Stand.
   Former LAPD officer Ray Owens (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has settled into a cushy, calm, uneventful post as sheriff for an out-of-the-way border town known as Summerton Junction. His reprieve is called to a halt when it's revealed that notorious Mexican drug lord Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) has escaped from the FBI's hold and is racing toward the border, on course to head straight through Summerton. So, agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) calls on Sheriff Owens and his rag-tag team of deputies (Rodrigo Santoro, Zach Gilford, Jamie Alexander, Luis Guzman, Johnny Knoxville) to help bring Cortez to a halt. 
    So, the big question, of course, is going to be: how was Arnold??? I'm happy to report that Arnold is, in fact, still the Arnold we all know and love! He may be a bit older and slower, but everything you expect from this legend is absolutely intact! His acting has not changed, whether that translates to you as good or bad. His dialogue is still laced with all the one-liners an Arnold fan could hope for. By the way, the "I am the sheriff!" line from the trailer is much more awesome in context. Just sayin'. But, anyhoo...
    Let's talk about the supporting cast. Johnny Knoxville, although appearing in only about a third of the film, is by far the biggest non-Arnold highlight of the entire thing. He is perfectly placed as a crazy, trigger-happy goofball, and provides all the biggest laughs in the film (at least, of the intentional laughs). Eduardo Noriega provides us with a very entertaining villain; an impressive feat, given the fact that for 90% of the movie, he's just sitting in a car with one other person. It definitely testifies to what an interesting character he was.
   I was surprised to find that Arnold has not lost any horsepower in terms of action. He may be slower, but he's still as strong as ever, even getting into a wrestling match at one point which was very well done. All the action in this film is spot-on to the type of Schwarzenegger action you'd see in the 80's, and it's all very visually appealing. There are a number of suspension of disbelief moments, however. The film doesn't seem to have a firm grasp on the power behind certain weapons, namely bazookas. But, it's all forgivable, due to the fact that you're having a blast (no pun intended...I swear!!).
  Overall, The Last Stand can absolutely be looked at as a triumphant return for Arnold. All of his signature action cheese components are there, the supporting cast is entertaining, the action is a ton of fun, if a bit cartoony, and I was darn proud to add this movie to my 2013 theatrical viewings. It's exactly what Arnold has always stood for: 2 hours of crazy, goofy, one-liner-filled bloody action that keeps your attention all the way through! Thanks for reading! :D
   

The Manhunt for an Oscar: Zero Dark Thirty Review

     My first 2013 movie isn't even from 2013!!! It actually got a limited release in December JUST before time ran out to submit Oscar nominations, those sneaky filmmakers; although not quite as sneaky as the individuals portrayed in the movie, but you get my point. The Last Stand review is still coming this weekend, but, for now, let's talk about Kathryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty.

    Two years after the events of 9/11, CIA officer Maya (Jessica Chastain) has been stationed at the U.S. embassy in Pakistan. While there, she oversees the interrogation of detainees who are being tortured in an attempt to get valuable information about the location of Osama bin Laden and/or those closest to him. After getting what she believes to be a major lead, Maya begins a pursuit of bin Laden's closest circle of colleagues in a near obsessive effort to finally find him and take him down.

     Now, notice, that's not a very thick description, and I really only mentioned one character (well, two, if we count bin Laden, but, for the purposes of this review, we won't). That's because...well, that's really it. There is a supporting cast, and a rather large one at that, but they almost constantly drift in and out of the story. They have their arcs, and then they're gone. It really is, at its core, the Maya story. She's the driving force that moves the story along. Other people may help her or give her a boost, but, at the end of the day, she makes stuff happen. And, with essentially the weight of an entire two-and-a-half hour movie on her shoulders, Jessica Chastain does a very commendable job of keeping the viewer interested and making you WANT to go on this journey with her. You definitely get invested in everything she's doing. As for the supporting cast, like I said, they're there. They serve their purpose and leave. There really isn't a whole lot to talk about, believe me.

     Now, if there is something helping Chastain keep the audience's attention, it's the script...for the most part. This is a script that suffers from just a bit too much padding. There are some sequences in here where you just wonder why they're there and why they're getting so much attention, while having such little relevance to the plot. Luckily, it doesn't happen too often, but it's still a problem, and makes the given run-time for the movie a bit questionable. But, the script is still solid from beginning to end.

     The best part of this film for me was the final action sequence. I don't think I'm spoiling anything when I say that the climax occurs at the compound where Osama bin Laden was staying when he got killed. They spend a good 30 or 40 minutes at this place, and it stays very interesting the whole way through. I was completely enthralled all the way through, and, for that, I thank the cinematographers, for making it one of the most visually compelling action sequences I've seen in a while, and that's AFTER an entire week getting reacquainted with Schwarzenegger movies.

     I have a strange feeling Zero Dark Thirty is gonna end up becoming one of those American history films that they end up showing in high schools when the history teacher is too lazy to teach. You know, things like Glory or Amistad, which schools use to showcase an important point in America's history. I'm not saying I want it to happen, I'm saying that's the movie it feels like. It already warranted 5 Oscar nominations, which I'm pretty sure only happened BECAUSE it's a showcase of American history. This is not Oscar material. Is it an entertaining flick? Absolutely, but it really doesn't warrant repeat viewings. It's the kind of movie you see just to say you saw it. It really doesn't have that lasting effect like so many other Oscar nominees this year. That said, it's still a fascinating look into the events it's trying to portray, and, especially if you're American, you might as well just check it out just to say that you did. Another piece of US history under your belt, essentially. That's all I will ever remember this movie for, and that's all it deserves to be remembered for. Thanks for reading!

     

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) Review

     Well, here we are. Just five days until the Governator's big return to the silver screen. So, I believe it's fitting to end my Ahnuld retrospective with quite possibly his most successful and most memorable movie of all time. This is my review of Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
    It's been eleven years since the events of the first Terminator film, and John Connor (Edward Furlong) is now an angry, rebellious young lad who is living with foster parents in L.A. This is because his mother, Sarah Conner (Linda Hamilton, reprising her role) is now in a mental hospital, where she continues to attempt to convince people of the events that occurred those eleven years ago, but is once again looked at as nothing more than a loon. Well, it turns out that the first Terminator was just plan A, and the machines have a backup. They now send a T-1000 (Robert Patrick), a much more advanced Terminator, back in time to kill John. Meanwhile, John's future self has managed to reprimand and reprogram a less advanced Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), whom he now sends back to protect his younger self and defeat the T-1000.
    Now, yes, for those of you who don't know, this movie is where a decent handful of Schwarzenegger's most famous lines originate, the most iconic of which would probably be "Come with me if you want to live," and "Hasta la vista, baby!" I'd say this is a great way of representing the film's staying power. This is a very memorable film. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing...well, to each his own.
    The acting stays rather consistent with the first film. Arnold once again does a fine job of playing a monotone, lifeless cyborg, and once again, I'm left to ponder whether that's true acting skill or just the fact that he really didn't have to try very hard. Either way, it works. Although, this time, I believe he suffers from having to play the role of the cyborg with a heart, the one who learns the "value of human life" and such. It tends to take away from the cool factor just a bit, but it's not a major issue. Robert Patrick's T-1000, on the other hand, takes Arnold's place as the intimidating, cold-hearted villain, and works wonders. Not only is his mere presence unnerving, but the fact that it's established rather early on that he is near indestructible definitely gives off a feeling of dread. It's a scary and well-done performance. As for the rest of the cast? Well, this is where the acting stays REALLY consistent with the first Terminator. Once again, none of them are interesting. Linda Hamilton's character stopped being relevant as soon as she gave birth to John, and the movie keeps trying to make her important, but the more she's on screen, the more you come to realize she really does not need to be there at all. She adds absolutely nothing to the story.
    Arnold's trademark action was luckily not lost back in Commandoland. The action here is just as pulse pounding and visually interesting as before, and manages to get even more creative, with many more varieties of locations for crazy shootouts. The Terminator films still manage to keep the viewer's eyes busy.
    So, Arnold's biggest movie, and would I recommend it? Well, yeah. It's cheesy, it's fun, it's absurd at points, but it is still a great action flick, still does great with the time travel elements, and was absolutely the film that solidified Arnold's status as a film legend. It has its problems, but, as a whole, it's a great experience that I will probably end up repeating very, very soon.
    So, after reviewing all five of these Arnold movies, what am I expecting from the Last Stand? It's really hard to say. I'm hoping to see an action star return to his roots and, whether it be cheesy, goofy fun, or a legitimately enthralling piece of cinema, I think we'll all just be more than happy to see this truly special actor doing what he does best: entertaining the ever-loving socks off of us. I'm hyped to see it, and I will absolutely be back this weekend to discuss it. 'Til then!

Kindergarten Cop (1990) Review

     I figured I had to include at least one of Ahnuld's (intentional) comedic attempts in this retrospective. It's hard enough to ignore a film with the words "kindergarten" and "cop" in the title, let alone one where they're the ONLY words in the title. Not even like..."Cop Goes Back to Kindergarten" (P.S. someone, make that!).So, how does Arnold measure up as the most out-of-place substitute teacher this side of Jack Black in School of Rock? Here's what I thought of Arnold's introduction into the 90's: Kindergarten Cop.
    John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing yet ANOTHER guy named John) is a police detective in pursuit of a legendary drug dealer Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) who he's finally able to put up for trial on a murder charge. However, the only believable testimony would be from his ex-wife, who's living under a false name in another town, where she teaches at an elementary school. So, Kimble and his partner Detective O'Hara (Pamela Reed) go undercover at the school, where O'Hara is set to pose as a substitute kindergarten teacher in order to get close. But, O'Hara develops a stomach flu which inhibits her from performing her duty, leaving Kimble, with absolutely no experience in teaching, to take her place. So, Kimble must believably blend into the role of a kindergarten teacher, find Crisp's ex-wife, and get her testimony to put Crisp away for good. Along the way, he learns about love and the rewards of being a teacher and blah-blah-blah. It's a 90's comedy.
     Alright, t's time to bash this movie, right? It's time to rip this piece of contrived 90's family garbage a new one, isn't it? ...Isn't it??? Well, sorry to say, but, I actually liked this one! No, it wasn't great, and the premise was absolutely ridiculous, but, in the end, it actually works as a complete movie. You'd think there'd be two completely incompatible elements here: the cop aspect and the school aspect, but they manage to blend it together rather well. Really the only downside to combining them is a handful of moments in which you basically go straight from R-rated violence to a class of 6-year-olds, or vice versa, which can be a little uncomfortable, but it's forgivable.
     All the actors do pretty well in the film. I was surprised, but Arnold can actually believably convey a likable kindergarten teacher. It's not just the angry "SHADDUP"-type moments you see clips of all over the Internet, although that's absolutely in there. The supporting cast is good. Heck, even the kids are surprisingly good actors. They behave like normal children would at their age, without drifting into caricatures or stereotypes. In fact, the only actor I have a problem with is Richard Tyson AKA Cullen Crisp, the villain. His goal in the movie is to get his son back from his ex-wife. Up until he finds his son, he's actually a very intimidating bad guy. This is someone you don't wanna mess with, because he will do absolutely anything and everything to get what he wants. But, when he finally does get his hands on his son, he becomes a whiny little brat. The way he behaves and the things he says to try to get his son to come with him seem extremely childish for someone as sophisticated as he was to begin with. And it's not like a slow descent into madness or anything, which would've worked. It's just, one minute he's a smooth-talking badass, the next he's crawling on the floor screaming and crying about his son. Literally, no transition. But, that aside, it was still solid acting across the board.
     Like I said, the story in this film actually flows rather well. None of it feels nearly as contrived as you'd think it would be. Much that happens, from the plot twists, to the conflicts, to the payoffs, feels natural and you understand how they would come to happen, for the most part. Not to say that NONE of it's forced. That is absolutely far from the truth, but it's not quite as much as you would think given the plot.
     So, no, Kindergarten Cop is not the mess its title would lead you to believe. It scores a mild victory at being suspenseful and action-packed while also being funny and, at times, heartwarming. Is it a great film? Not by any stretch of the imagination. But, I've seen worse ways to spend two hours (like Commando, for example) and, especially if you're a parent, it definitely plays to that part of the audience. It may not be everybody's cup of tea, but it's a harmless movie that's at least worth a look, if for nothing else other than creativity. And it's also part 4 of my Ahnuld retrospective, which will be concluding, hopefully tomorrow, with one final review of a definitive Schwarzenegger classic. See ya then!
   

Commando (1985) Review

     The Terminator ensured that when paying audiences thought of Arnold Schwarzenegger, they thought of a badass action star who could really deliver in that genre. Arnold was also established as just the right pick to play a soulless killing machine bent on destruction, but just how easy would it be for him to use that power for the side of good??? Well, let's talk about Commando.
    Commando sees Schwarzenegger as ex-military man John Matrix, who is now living a life of peace with his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano). That is, until he's informed by his former superior officer General Kirby (James Olson) (insert Nintendo joke here) that some old foes are looking for him. Before too long, the bad guys track him down in the form of Arius (Dan Hedaya), a former South American dictator whom Matrix helped overthrow, and Bennett (Vernon Wells), Arius' second-hand man and one of Matrix's former military allies. They kidnap Jenny and demand that he go to the fictional country of Val Verde, kill the current leader, and get Arius' rule back. If he doesn't comply, Jenny will be killed. Along the way, he gets some help from a love interest(????) named Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong) in his mission to escape Arius' watch and get his daughter back.
     All I can say about this movie is, poor Arnold. He is trying SO, so hard in this film, but it's not a film that can hold him up. This is a stupid, stupid movie. Not only is it filled to the brim with cliches, but plotholes are running rampant throughout. There are so many moments in this movie that make you honestly question the intelligence of the characters on screen. Also, even though Arnold really is trying his best...at times, it seems like he got lost back in The Terminator. Some of his behavior in this movie is really strange, and almost seems like a fish-out-of-water story, much like how the Terminator behaved in that film. Yet, he's supposed to be a normal human being (well, okay, as normal as a gigantic Austrian death machine (great band, by the way) can be). It's just a weird atmosphere.
     Now, I must address two more characters. The first is Cindy, Arnold's companion in the film. Why did the 80's absolutely love its whiny, nasally sidekicks whose only job was to complain about EVERYTHING in the most high-pitched voice they could muster? The only time I've seen this done worse was Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd, but that was at least forgivable because the rest of the movie was friggin' awesome. Here, it gets grating VERY quickly. The other character is Bennett. I don't want to spoil anything, but there's a moment in the climax of the movie where Arnold manages to trick Bennett into making one of the STUPIDEST decisions a person could possibly make in the situation he was in, and it essentially cost him his chance to kill Arnold once and for all. It's a decision that literally NO human being would make given the option. Have I emphasized strongly enough the point of questioning characters' intelligence?
     This is usually the part of the review where, despite everything I've said, I come to at least commend the action. Well...no. This is another one of those movies from this time period in which one man has got dozens of people shooting at him, and yet is able to dodge all the bullets just by running. That about sums up the quality of action in this movie. Not one of Arnold's best.
     Overall, this is just an extremely dumb movie. Now, okay, it has its audience, and I've been one to promote corny content in the past, but this one was just too much for me. I know people have a lot of fun with this one, and it does have its decent moments of excitement, but, more than anything, it's a movie that makes you ask, "Why?" or "How?" just a few too many times. You may enjoy it and find it to be quite a ride, but, being perfectly honest, I thought this was a huge step back from Terminator. But, as we'll see in my next post, it wouldn't be the last of Arnold's questionable film choices. 
     

The Terminator (1984) Review

       Continuing my Arnold Schwarzenegger retrospective, it's interesting that just as Arnold was being established as a hammy, over-the-top, crazy yet fun actor, he was almost immediately chosen for a role very much of subtlety and little-to-no emotion. Or, let me put it this way. People saw him go absolutely nuts as the titular figure in Conan the Barbarian and thought to themselves, "You know what role he would be good at? A lifeless robot..." Here's my review of arguably Arnold's most iconic film role: 1984's The Terminator.
     In the year 2029, mankind is in the midst of an ongoing war with machines as cyborgs and supercomputers have all but dominated the human race, and are pushing for extinction. The machine side sends a Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) back in time to 1984 to hunt down and "terminate" one Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), who is destined to be the mother of John Connor, the machines' greatest threat in the future. In response, the humans send back Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn), a soldier sworn to protect Ms. Connor at all costs. So the chase is on to track Sarah down and decide the fate of her as-of-yet unborn child, AKA mankind's only hope for salvation.
     Now, given my opening statement, I guess it's only fitting to start with acting. How does Arnold fit in to the role of a lifeless, emotionless killing machine??? Well...much better than he did Conan, I'll say that much. I know we love to kid this guy for his not-so-subtle performances, but, here, he gives probably the most silent and calm role of his career and does it rather well. He becomes almost a cybernetic Jason Voorhees with his cold, collected, intimidating nature, and also his resilience to having been blown up and/or set on fire at least 3 or 4 separate times.
     As for the supporting cast...eh, they do their job. Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn are not great, but they're okay and they serve their purpose in the story just fine. There are some cops that get involved that are enjoyable and offer a bit of fun comic relief. One role I really enjoyed was Earl Boen as a  psychologist. At one point, Sarah and Reese get pulled into questioning by the police, and they initially believe Reese to be crazy when he starts talking about the future, so they bring in this psychologist who basically humors him and talks down to him as if he's mentally ill. The performance is great, and it's a really funny and interesting scene.
     As with Conan, one of the highlights of this movie is the action. There's a car chase between Sarah and Reese, and the Terminator, that is really well shot and very visually and audibly captivating. Did I say audibly? Oh, yeah. The original musical score in this film is superb and compliments the scenes perfectly. Brad Fiedel's the composer to thank for that, and he exceeds at his job. 
     The Terminator is another one of those movies that is filled with cheese, but it's pretty forgivable. You have a brow-raising premise which plays with the time travel element like a pro, some really thrilling action, and a stellar performance from Arnold which definitely caused this movie to earn its place in people's minds as one of his most major and important roles. It's a really great action flick which does a great job of appealing to both action and science fiction fanatics. If you haven't sought it out already, give it a shot.
     

Conan the Barbarian (1982) Review

       In just under two weeks, the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gives us his first major film role in nearly a decade. The film in question is The Last Stand, and it's gotten a lot of people talking. I, myself, intend to both see and review it for my largely non-existent audience. But, first, I thought I'd take a look back at some of Ahnuld's most memorable moments on the big screen. Our first subject: the 1982 medieval fantasy film Conan the Barbarian.

       Conan the Barbarian tells the story of an ancient people called the Cimmerians, who are massacred by the sinister Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his army. The men and women are slaughtered, while the children are taken away into captivity. Among these children: the son of a swordsmith known as Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Conan, along with the others, are forced into slavery. After years of hard labor, Conan has grown into a powerful young man; so powerful, in fact, that he's forced into cage fights, where he earns the respect of his rich masters. Finally, after years of being dragged around like a dog on a leash, Conan is able to escape and sets out to get revenge for his slaughtered people. Along the way, he gets help from a lowly but crafty thief Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and a brigand turned love interest Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), who help him in his quest. Together, they battle giant snakes and cannibalistic cults in their journey to bring down Thulsa Doom and restore order.

       If you haven't seen the movie, you're probably thinking what I thought before I saw it: Arnold Schwarzenegger, action star, in a medieval setting? But, not only does it work, it...well, it's fun and cheesy...that's something!! Conan the Barbarian is an extremely entertaining fantasy experience. Arnold's cornball acting feels right at home in this larger-than-life world that director John Milius has created. 

       The story is equally over-the-top. Although based on 30's pulp fiction stories by Robert E. Howard, the film's story is basically original, only borrowing a handful of locations and scenes from the original stories. The story is tailor-made for the actors bringing it to life.

       Now, despite the cheese-ball factor, one thing Conan does really well is action. This is where the trend of great Arnold action moments started. In fact, the final showdown between Conan and Thulsa Doom's army is one of my favorite action sequences in all of cinema. It really is a great example of how to keep action interesting and visually appealing, which brings me to my last point.

       This movie is very nice to look at. The lighting and coloring of every scene compliment the emotion perfectly, as do the settings. Props to the crew of visual consultants on this film for making me happy to stare at a desert for two hours.

       Overall, this was a very fitting breakthrough performance for Arnold. It's cheesy to no end, from acting to story to soundtrack, but it's got a heart to it that is very endearing. The action is easily the high point of the movie, and keeps you glued to the screen at all times. James Earl Jones is wonderful as the villain, although I'm now almost positive he reiterated the "You are my son" line in three separate movies: this, Empire Strikes Back, and Lion King; but it's forgivable, because, heck, it's Sir Jones. You don't mess with a knight, especially with that awesome voice!! Mako also has a role as a wizard who joins Conan later on and also narrates the film, which he does spectacularly. Conan the Barbarian is just two straight hours of fun that fantasy/adventure fans should at least give a look if they haven't already. It may not be up to par with some of the greats, but it's still a fun ride from beginning to end!