Ponder the idea of machine guns and defibrillators existing in what is essentially the 1600's. How does this idea sit with you? Depending on your answer, that will determine your likelihood to sit through this movie without groaning and glaring at the screen. I don't like giving things away this early in the review, but this is not one worth building up to. Here's my review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
It's years after the events of the original Hansel and Gretel story, where they get captured by a witch and are able to throw her into a fire and escape. Now, a fully grown Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have dedicated their lives to hunting and killing all witches they come across. They're called upon by the town of Augsburg, Germany, to find a witch (Famke Janssen) who has been abducting children in the middle of the night. They find out the child abductions are part of a ritual a group of witches are planning which will essentially allow them to become invincible. Along the way, Hansel and Gretel get help from young aspiring witch hunter Ben (Thomas Mann), Hansel's love interest Mina (Pihla Viitala), and a menacing but friendly troll named Edward (Derek Mears/Robin Atkin Downes).
Okay, I think I already gave away my overall opinion in the first paragraph, but let's break this down. When I first saw this movie being advertised, I was ecstatic! No, I didn't think it was gonna be the LEAST bit good, but I was looking forward very much so to laughing at this movie or just having some good nonsensical fun. That's all I expected from this thing. What did I end up getting? All of the nonsense, little to none of the fun...
First things first: Jeremy Renner...I feel for you, guy. Renner makes it abundantly clear that he did NOT want to be here at ALL. Take away the fact that his Hansel is supposed to be a jaded, cold brute who hides his emotions because of his past; Jeremy Renner is not even trying, even when he's supposed to emote something other than coldness. Gemma Arterton does a passable job; not much to praise or complain about. The main villain is generic, as are the side characters, namely, Mina. Talk about a phoned-in love interest who has nothing at all to do with the story and is just there for a random sex scene. I'm not even kidding. The most screen time she gets is when she gets into a hot spring with Hansel and the oh-so-sophisticated filmmakers basically make into a "Ooh, look, we showed a naked lady!! Hahaha" type of scene. Extremely pointless. Which brings me to my next argument...
This movie just did not care about itself at ALL. Sure, we all know from the trailer that apparently machine guns and similar weapons existed in the 1600's, but...oh, boy, did it go so much farther downhill from there with throwing logic and common decency out the window. You have plot points and plot devices that have absolutely zero purpose being there. Other things that existed in the 1600's according to this movie: defibrillators and insulin shots. You know, insulin shots, for Hansel's diabetes...that he got from being fattened up by the witch when he was a kid...and that's only briefly referenced in one scene and then dropped. I sincerely hope you see where I'm going with this. This movie's logic isn't just stupid, it's flat-out insulting.
I don't feel the need to waste many more keystrokes on this thing. It was a stupid movie lazily executed for a minimally enjoyable outcome. Some things this movie does have: a cartoonish amount of blood and gore, some extremely gimmicky 3D (I was forced to see this movie in 3D...I HATE 3D), and at least 3 or 4 large-breasted female cast members that the male demographic is supposed to, I guess, find as a positive addition to the movie, because...boobs. That's really the feel that it gives off. Sure, some people may still see it as a fun, silly, bloody ride, but I see it as a waste of 90 minutes which left a very bad taste in my mouth. Good to know I have a contender for my worst movies of the year list and it's only January. Thanks for reading!! :D
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