Conan the Barbarian (1982) Review

       In just under two weeks, the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gives us his first major film role in nearly a decade. The film in question is The Last Stand, and it's gotten a lot of people talking. I, myself, intend to both see and review it for my largely non-existent audience. But, first, I thought I'd take a look back at some of Ahnuld's most memorable moments on the big screen. Our first subject: the 1982 medieval fantasy film Conan the Barbarian.

       Conan the Barbarian tells the story of an ancient people called the Cimmerians, who are massacred by the sinister Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his army. The men and women are slaughtered, while the children are taken away into captivity. Among these children: the son of a swordsmith known as Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Conan, along with the others, are forced into slavery. After years of hard labor, Conan has grown into a powerful young man; so powerful, in fact, that he's forced into cage fights, where he earns the respect of his rich masters. Finally, after years of being dragged around like a dog on a leash, Conan is able to escape and sets out to get revenge for his slaughtered people. Along the way, he gets help from a lowly but crafty thief Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and a brigand turned love interest Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), who help him in his quest. Together, they battle giant snakes and cannibalistic cults in their journey to bring down Thulsa Doom and restore order.

       If you haven't seen the movie, you're probably thinking what I thought before I saw it: Arnold Schwarzenegger, action star, in a medieval setting? But, not only does it work, it...well, it's fun and cheesy...that's something!! Conan the Barbarian is an extremely entertaining fantasy experience. Arnold's cornball acting feels right at home in this larger-than-life world that director John Milius has created. 

       The story is equally over-the-top. Although based on 30's pulp fiction stories by Robert E. Howard, the film's story is basically original, only borrowing a handful of locations and scenes from the original stories. The story is tailor-made for the actors bringing it to life.

       Now, despite the cheese-ball factor, one thing Conan does really well is action. This is where the trend of great Arnold action moments started. In fact, the final showdown between Conan and Thulsa Doom's army is one of my favorite action sequences in all of cinema. It really is a great example of how to keep action interesting and visually appealing, which brings me to my last point.

       This movie is very nice to look at. The lighting and coloring of every scene compliment the emotion perfectly, as do the settings. Props to the crew of visual consultants on this film for making me happy to stare at a desert for two hours.

       Overall, this was a very fitting breakthrough performance for Arnold. It's cheesy to no end, from acting to story to soundtrack, but it's got a heart to it that is very endearing. The action is easily the high point of the movie, and keeps you glued to the screen at all times. James Earl Jones is wonderful as the villain, although I'm now almost positive he reiterated the "You are my son" line in three separate movies: this, Empire Strikes Back, and Lion King; but it's forgivable, because, heck, it's Sir Jones. You don't mess with a knight, especially with that awesome voice!! Mako also has a role as a wizard who joins Conan later on and also narrates the film, which he does spectacularly. Conan the Barbarian is just two straight hours of fun that fantasy/adventure fans should at least give a look if they haven't already. It may not be up to par with some of the greats, but it's still a fun ride from beginning to end!