I figured I had to include at least one of Ahnuld's (intentional) comedic attempts in this retrospective. It's hard enough to ignore a film with the words "kindergarten" and "cop" in the title, let alone one where they're the ONLY words in the title. Not even like..."Cop Goes Back to Kindergarten" (P.S. someone, make that!).So, how does Arnold measure up as the most out-of-place substitute teacher this side of Jack Black in School of Rock? Here's what I thought of Arnold's introduction into the 90's: Kindergarten Cop.
John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing yet ANOTHER guy named John) is a police detective in pursuit of a legendary drug dealer Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) who he's finally able to put up for trial on a murder charge. However, the only believable testimony would be from his ex-wife, who's living under a false name in another town, where she teaches at an elementary school. So, Kimble and his partner Detective O'Hara (Pamela Reed) go undercover at the school, where O'Hara is set to pose as a substitute kindergarten teacher in order to get close. But, O'Hara develops a stomach flu which inhibits her from performing her duty, leaving Kimble, with absolutely no experience in teaching, to take her place. So, Kimble must believably blend into the role of a kindergarten teacher, find Crisp's ex-wife, and get her testimony to put Crisp away for good. Along the way, he learns about love and the rewards of being a teacher and blah-blah-blah. It's a 90's comedy.
Alright, t's time to bash this movie, right? It's time to rip this piece of contrived 90's family garbage a new one, isn't it? ...Isn't it??? Well, sorry to say, but, I actually liked this one! No, it wasn't great, and the premise was absolutely ridiculous, but, in the end, it actually works as a complete movie. You'd think there'd be two completely incompatible elements here: the cop aspect and the school aspect, but they manage to blend it together rather well. Really the only downside to combining them is a handful of moments in which you basically go straight from R-rated violence to a class of 6-year-olds, or vice versa, which can be a little uncomfortable, but it's forgivable.
All the actors do pretty well in the film. I was surprised, but Arnold can actually believably convey a likable kindergarten teacher. It's not just the angry "SHADDUP"-type moments you see clips of all over the Internet, although that's absolutely in there. The supporting cast is good. Heck, even the kids are surprisingly good actors. They behave like normal children would at their age, without drifting into caricatures or stereotypes. In fact, the only actor I have a problem with is Richard Tyson AKA Cullen Crisp, the villain. His goal in the movie is to get his son back from his ex-wife. Up until he finds his son, he's actually a very intimidating bad guy. This is someone you don't wanna mess with, because he will do absolutely anything and everything to get what he wants. But, when he finally does get his hands on his son, he becomes a whiny little brat. The way he behaves and the things he says to try to get his son to come with him seem extremely childish for someone as sophisticated as he was to begin with. And it's not like a slow descent into madness or anything, which would've worked. It's just, one minute he's a smooth-talking badass, the next he's crawling on the floor screaming and crying about his son. Literally, no transition. But, that aside, it was still solid acting across the board.
Like I said, the story in this film actually flows rather well. None of it feels nearly as contrived as you'd think it would be. Much that happens, from the plot twists, to the conflicts, to the payoffs, feels natural and you understand how they would come to happen, for the most part. Not to say that NONE of it's forced. That is absolutely far from the truth, but it's not quite as much as you would think given the plot.
So, no, Kindergarten Cop is not the mess its title would lead you to believe. It scores a mild victory at being suspenseful and action-packed while also being funny and, at times, heartwarming. Is it a great film? Not by any stretch of the imagination. But, I've seen worse ways to spend two hours (like Commando, for example) and, especially if you're a parent, it definitely plays to that part of the audience. It may not be everybody's cup of tea, but it's a harmless movie that's at least worth a look, if for nothing else other than creativity. And it's also part 4 of my Ahnuld retrospective, which will be concluding, hopefully tomorrow, with one final review of a definitive Schwarzenegger classic. See ya then!
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